I have wanted to write this blog post for a long time now. But I've put it off for so long...
I know I've previously written posts about the struggle I had post graduate school finding a job. I was worried that all the work I had done in school wouldn't pay off in the end and everything that I had worked hard for (in school, and with taking and taking my licensing test again and again...and again) would eventually be useless because I either wouldn't like being a therapist, or that I would be bad at it. I accepted the job offer I got to work at Logan river, but with reluctancy for those reasons.
It was tough initially trying to learn the ropes of the whole place. I remember going into my first crisis with my first student feeling so helpless. I had just met her and I didn't know what I needed to do or say to help her. I was so worried that she and the rest of my students would see right through me; that they would know I didn't know what I was doing since I was one in many therapists they'd had. I was worried I wouldn't know how to talk to my student's parents like a professional counselor.
I was also in the midst of figuring out what therapy style I felt most comfortable with for each individual girl and her family. There was a lot more learning to do than that during therapy. I was working hard outside of therapy sessions also just thinking, planning, learning, and understanding.
Slowly but surely, I learned with time. As crazy as it sounds, I feel that my title carried me until I found my confidence. The students, their families, and my coworkers trusted me initially because my title states that I am a Clinical Social Worker, and I should know what I'm doing. With time, my confidence began to grow as well as my identity as a therapist. Every break through with a student, or every nice comment from a parent or coworker helped me gain confidence I needed.
Obviously there were hard days; there were days where my skills and the faith I gained within were really put to the test. I remember a few times crying in my office after a rough session with a girl. I doubted myself a lot and wondered if I could be doing things differently--better. (Looking back, I understand more now about why this was helpful in making me who I am as a therapist.) Even though I had these hard times, I really enjoyed what I did. I loved working at an Residential Treatment Center, and being a part of the change process in these girls' lives.
I was/still am so thankful to have been given such a wonderful opportunity to earn and use my degree and be a therapist. I am so thankful that I was able to learn new things about myself and my identity as a therapist. I gained a lot more confidence in my ability to do hard things and to push myself to improve each day.
The last day of my job at Logan River Academy was August 20th. We decided that while Scott was in graduate school, I would stay home with Kaiser and be a full-time stay at home mom. The day that began was August 25th.
The adjustment period was rough, I won't lie. And sometimes it still is very challenging to be a full time stay at home mom. Even though I'm so lucky to stay home with Kaiser and to be able to teach him everything, it was rough to leave my life as a professional in Utah. Working at Logan River, I felt important and needed. I felt smart. I was challenged in different ways, and I received praise and thanks from my students, their families, and my coworkers. Being a stay at home mom is completely different. My world revolves around Kaiser's every move--Temper tantrums, making food and trying to get him to eat it, changing diapers, being creative so we don't get bored, etc. The list goes on... It's also hard knowing that I could help my family not get into as much debt by using my degree and feeling guilty that I'm not because we chose for me to stay home.
This post might seem confusing, like i'm just rambling off whatever comes to mind. It's a post i've been struggling to write because I can't seem to say what I want to say how I want to say it. Urgh. It's frustrating. But I'm just gonna keep going...
Even though the adjustment period was difficult, I love being home with Kaiser. I'm so glad that we can be best friends. I love that I get to see his face light up when I walk into his room in the morning and when nap is over to pick him up out of his crib. I love that I get to play cars/trucks, airplanes, choo choo trains, and woo woo's with him. I love that he gives me loves and kisses all the time and likes to hold my hand. I love being his mom and am so thankful to be able to stay home at this time with him. It's something I will always treasure, as I know I won't always be a stay at home mom. But even though I do love it, I am nervous that my identity as a therapist (that took me so long to find) is going to be hard to find again once it's time for me to find a job. It's like I can't fully enjoy staying at home because I anticipate going back and having a rough start once again. I'm afraid of losing my identity as a therapist because I will be so out of practice with what little experience I gained from working. I'm afraid of nobody wanting to hire me again because I don't have that much experience.
I'm thankful for all that my job at Logan River taught me. I miss my friends and the girls I met and interacted with each day. But I'm also thankful for Kaiser and all that he teaches me about myself and my identity as a mommy. I hope that I am just overreacting and that everything will be fine. I hope that through these experiences I will learn to be okay with the change process and all that I learn with each new change. I hope that even though I am worried about losing my identity as a therapist, I can gain further knowledge about my identity as a mommy and I can excel as Kaiser's mom and maybe learn a thing or two about how to be awesome at it.
