I finally passed!!!

I have been waiting for almost a year to say those words!  I took and passed my clinical social work licensing boards!

It is kind of embarrassing to write it for the world to see, but since this is for my own personal record, I will share anyways.

This past year, taking and passing that test has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest trial I have faced up to this point.  I know it might sound silly, but to me it isn't. You see, I finished my undergraduate AND graduate studies with a 4.0 GPA.  I signed up to take the exam in November, so from September until the day I took my test, I studied for countless hours on end doing practice exam after practice exam, and reading through my study material many times.  I paid a lot of money to take the test. I knew what to expect going into the test as far as how the questions were going to be worded, and I was shocked when I clicked finish and the result said a big fat FAIL.  :(  It was super debilitating. I went home and cried to Scott for hours.  Poor guy.

I felt like an embarrassment and a disappointment; I didn't really tell anyone that I failed because I was too ashamed to admit it... I did not want anyone to judge me, or think that I wasn't smart enough. It is awful to have gone to so much school, and felt like you should have passed it, but can't do what you went to school to do because you can't pass a test.

Anyways, the couple months following my test, I tried to put it out of my mind, but it wasn't working very well.  There was always that unfriendly reminder reminding me that I needed to finish.  So I started studying again.  I studied harder than the first time I took it, and felt extremely good about it.  I knew what sections to study, and again, I read through my study material numerous times and answered countless practice questions to refresh my memory on the style of the test.  I felt positive again.  And again, I took it in March, and I was shocked to find that big fat FAIL on my screen for a second time.  I was in disbelief.  Shock.  I didn't know what to think.  The embarrassment and disappointment I felt before was multiplied.  I was angry, but I also felt like I was letting Scott down, and my friends and family down for not being able to meet my potential somehow.  By this time I was 6-7 months pregnant.  Since you have to wait a minimum of 90 days to retake the test, I decided to focus on the baby and forget about this stupid dark cloud in my life.

But easier said than done, right?  Right.  So, Kaiser was born and here I was on maternity leave.  About  a month before I had to go back to work, Scott and I had the conversation I knew needed to happen, but was dreading.  I knew I needed to try it one more time.  I just didn't want to tell myself that, or believe it.  But Scott urged me to do it, (again--poor guy to put up with all my blubbering.) and I signed up.  I studied for a couple hours each day that I could and signed up to take it again.

I took it last Tuesday, the 10th.  My mom, Kaiser, and I got a hotel close to the testing center so that I wouldn't have to go 1/2 a day without nursing Kaiser.  Going into it, I felt at ease.  I felt more confident and calm than I had the previous 2 times.  I can't tell you the relief that came over me as I finished my exam and the words "PASS" showed up on my screen.  What a freakin relief.  This burden that I had been carrying for a year now is finally over.  I felt so light and so happy to have it behind me.  I am finally a CSW.

I am going to blame it on the "pregnancy brain" as I was pregnant both times I failed.

I just want to thank Scott for his pushes of encouragement that at times, I didn't want to hear.  It was really hard for me to keep trying but because of his help and faith, I was able to feel better and more confident.  He believed that I was smart, and could handle it even when I didn't.  Thanks babe, you're a gem.

PS--My parents are the absolute best.  When Scott would go to work, they would watch Kaiser for a couple of hours for me so that I could focus on getting over this hurdle.  Thanks Mom and Dad for letting me and Kaiser take over your house for a couple weeks :)