Adjusting to Life with 2 kids

The couple of weeks after we brought Koen home from the hospital were such a blur of craziness and emotions... It is almost hard to remember and as much as I love my family and being a mom, it is honestly hard to look back and reflect on. We had Koen the Monday that spring break started for Scott. But it wasn't a break for him because he was right in the middle of writing his thesis for graduate school. We were so lucky and blessed to have my mom staying with us for 2 weeks to help us with the adjustment.

I noticed my anxiety and postpartum start to flare up again. Even the night we brought Koen home from the hospital it was there. Just general anxiety from the hormone adjustment is what I attribute it to. But then there were things that obviously made it worse. I was having the same trouble with my milk supply that I had with Kaiser. Koen was such a good sport with it though but I could tell that he was so hungry. I was trying to just nurse on demand with him, pump, and not use formula. But he wasn't peeing or pooping. And when he would have something in his diaper it looked like an orange powder because he was so dehydrated. When I took him into the doctor's office on Friday afternoon when he was 5 days old, he was still losing weight and was getting fussier so we decided to start supplementing. It's hard to explain how it feels to anybody else who hasn't been in the same situation. A lot of people believe that if your baby has a need, then your body will make it. But I stand firm on my decision that that's a load of crap. My body just doesn't provide.. and I had to learn to accept that....again. And it is incredibly difficult to comprehend that I have to accept it, when my role as a mother is to provide my child with what he needs. There is nothing fair about not being able to fulfill that role.

While that was something super difficult thing for me to have to go through, I have to wonder if it was made worse by the postpartum depression that I was also going through. When I had Kaiser, I didn't see the signs of a mild postpartum that I was experiencing until long after. So with Koen, we were able to recognize some of it early enough and get the help that I needed. But it's not like it magically goes away. As a new mom of two I felt the struggle of showing the love that both of my boys deserved to each of them equally. I felt so much guilt weighing down on me and it was exhausting. My mom was there to help me out and Scott was also when he wasn't working on his school stuff, but I just couldn't get a handle on it. I felt so bad for them for having to deal with me and how emotional I was with everything.

Don't get me wrong...I love my boys so so much. I can't even comprehend how lucky I am to be the mom of two amazing and healthy boys...but the emotional hormonal "stuff" was hard to go through.

Anyways, so we started supplementing Koen with formula and I continued to breastfeed Koen just like I had with Kaiser. And I LOVED breastfeeding. For me it wasn't as stressful as it was with Kaiser. I enjoyed every little bit of it. And Koen did too so it was nice to share that bonding time together.

Luckily, Koen would sleep a lot so the transition with Kaiser was made slightly easier by Koen napping a lot. But it was tough having to feed Koen so often when Kaiser would want/need my attention. It helped so much to have my mom there to help smooth that transition for a little bit. And when Kaiser would nap/go to bed at night, we got to have some one on one time with Koen man as well to lessen some of my guilt.

Kaiser would love to hold Koen. I think he really loved Koen, but he also knew that Koen was getting attention and Kaiser wanted the attention too so that's another reason why he loved to hold him. Here are some precious pictures of the boys!

I love these grins Kaiser has. He looks so happy and proud!

Tiny little Koen!

Kaiser was tickling his head

Kisses

College Station celebrated Easter early so my mom was able to watch Koen while Scott and I took Kaiser to an Easter Egg Hunt held near the George Bush Library. It was quite the celebration especially considering it was a cold morning! We found our buddy Enok and his parents and stuck with them for the most part. The kids found Easter Eggs, played in the bounce houses, and we had to go visit the fire trucks of course. We walked away feeling pretty content. And it was nice to get some alone time with Kaiser!

We also went to another Easter egg hunt put on by the activity day girls in our ward/stake. This was held at Bee Creek Park and Kaiser had a blast at that as well. I love his little grin--he finally was old enough to understand that the more eggs he picked up, the more candy/prizes he would get.

Here are just a few pictures that I wanted to add in but for no specific reason...

Tired daddy trying to get a nap in with Koen during writing his thesis...

Grandma Teddy and Koen being snuggle buddies

Smile!

Love this outfit! One of 2 or 3 new outfits we bought for him. This is what we  brought him home in.

We were lucky enough to have Grandma Teddy take us to the movie "Zootopia!" Kaiser did really well during the movie and loved seeing it with Grandma and getting his special movie theater treats! On the way home from Zootopia, we stopped to show Grandma the special Blue Bonnets around College Station. They are only in bloom for a month-ish so it was fun for Grandma to see them. We had to get a picture of the two buddies!

Love this photo!

On March 23rd, after almost 2 weeks of having her stay with us, we had to say goodbye to Grandma and send her back home. What a sad, hard day that was for us all! I was a hot mess... How could I do this all by myself? I was not ready to leave her but the time had to come... It was a little bit easier to say goodbye to her than I thought but only because I knew that she was coming back with my dad for Scott's graduation. We drove her to the Austin airport and said our goodbyes. I am so thankful that I had my mom and that she was able to take time out of her day to stay with us and help with our transition. I really relied so much on her strength while I was going through such a big transition mentally. I don't know if she ever knew just how grateful we were to have her.

Life after mom left was even crazier for me than when she was here. We really missed having her here. All I can really say is thank goodness for my friends Emily and Jenepher. They knew how to help me when I needed it. We would go to the park all the time in the mornings so Kaiser could still play and have some buddies and I could get my emotions out to someone who could understand. They were such rocks for me during those difficult few weeks... I really relied on them for emotional comfort and assurance that I wasn't crazy out of my mind. I don't really need to go into a ton of detail about it, but I am super grateful that I had such loving friends to rely on.

Also, our awesome ward was so great to bring us a week's worth of meals AFTER my mom left so we could still have support. It truly was amazing to have so much support. I just love our CS ward so much--it was the most loving and giving ward we had ever been in.

Anyways... with the help of friends, we tried to keep our routine somewhat normal. It was very tiring though. Scott was finishing school and applying for jobs so because of that, he was at school for a good portion of the day which left me at home with the boys by myself. One of the most difficult things was trying to show each boy that I loved them so so much. Trying to divide my time was the hardest. I felt guilty for not giving each of my boys all of my attention. I felt like I could be a great mom for one of my boys, but just a mediocre mom for two. That was tough. But as Scott's mom would remind me, "Koen chose to be second." That was a saying that I kept in my mind for the first little while. It is silly, but it made me feel less guilty. I think Heavenly Father really knew what he was doing--nobody remembers being a newborn and I think there's a reason :) Anyways, me and the boys went on lots of walks, had lots of snuggle time, and slept as much as we could. Here are a few pictures.

Kaiser's favorite park, the "rock park." Aka, Gabbard park.

While Kaiser napped, we snuggled...

At the end of the night we were all exhausted!

All of our cuddle and alone time would happen with Koen when Kaiser was sleeping. So at the end of the night we would enjoy some time together. Scott and I would put on a show for us to watch, and we would take turns snuggling our new baby! It was special time we enjoyed together.

Getting to be such a big boy!

We had Koen's 2 week check up on March 28th. He was also getting his circumcision done at that time. Here are his 2 week stats:

Height -- 20 inches -- 28th percentile

Weight -- 8 lbs 2 oz -- 37th percentile

Head -- 36 cm -- 61st percentile

He started gaining weight like a champ with the supplementing. Two pounds in 2 weeks! The circumcision went great as well. Way less traumatic than Kaiser's was. No blood and no gauze! We were both pleased with the low maintenance of it all. Our pediatrician was great too-- Betty Svendsen. She was fantastic!